Opportunity and Growth 🍃
By Artistic Fellow Natasha Adorlee
How do you place value on an opportunity? I've asked myself this question a lot recently. This past year has been an exercise in walking into new rooms and experiencing things, like institutional support, for the first time in my art-making career.
I should let you know that I am a fighter; I grew up with my mother, an Immigrant from Taiwain, in Kansas, and in this place, our community often viewed us as being outside of the norm, which led to a constant feeling of alienation. In addition, after my dad passed away, my mom did her best to decipher American culture and tried to cultivate a sense of belonging. Still, between living below the poverty line and our stark cultural differences, it was often signaled that we did not fit in here (though I found a home in my local dance school and a community there that truly embraced us when others would not). These factors played a formative role in shaping my mindset. And that mindset, my scarcity mindset, was to fight and drive forward, mostly stumbling but rarely admitting defeat or asking for help.
While being an Artistic Fellow with Amy Sewiert's Imagery has been an incredible opportunity, re-wiring my brain to accept, trust, and embrace this generosity has been challenging. And I know, as a First-Generation BIPOC woman, this is not an uncommon experience. It is why having internal groups for inclusion, diversity, and ERGs are essential. It is why having opportunities as generous as this Fellowship are crucial. Being welcomed into previously exclusive spaces is a shock that is hard to describe until you experience it. I've felt imposter syndrome, a stubbornness bubbling in me from fear, and the vulnerability of trying to learn in real-time. But in this path, I can see myself, faults and all, with much kinder eyes. In this gift of opportunity, I recognize that there is solidarity with other people who share a back story like mine; I realize this is the first step of many to change environments that have previously alluded us and walk back the mindset of fear.
Creating for SKETCH 12 was a massive high. It was a magical time, from incredible dancers to support from Amy and Annika, having Joshua L. Peugh in town, and a Crit Group to discuss work with my fellow choreographers. Yet, throughout SKETCH, I knew some things were going to be uncomfortable and unknown, and while at the moment, I wish I could say that I asked for help and instructions, instead, I found myself reverting to the version of me who doesn't want to look like they don't know how to do it. But, after conversations about this, I can see the pattern, which is the first step to breaking it.
Through Imagery, I am finding a voice in a choreographic and administrative sense and a person deep down who needed coaxing and downright some convincing that this opportunity, the people, and this place are safe; but I've been profoundly affected by this reassurance in return. The Fellowship is changing me in one of the most positive ways I can recognize in my adult life. It's allowing me to feel the ease and safety of saying, "I don't know, can you help me?" and giving me the tools to express this. In a world that prioritizes moving at the speed of light, go fast, ask questions later, I find myself in a company that wants me to ask questions and probe into my identity as an artist and a leader. And in return, I am offering insight into a background that carries more than the eye can perceive on first impressions. But allowing my background to unfurl in this way is reconciling institutional and fundamental differences that affect an overall life mindset. Significantly, my assumptions are being challenged, evolving my perception of the value or space I should take up in this world. Here, there is safety in failing forward and releasing some of the echoes of my past.
You cannot place value on opportunities. They are the lifeblood that allows positive outcomes and complex conversations to birth change and growth. I am thankful for it all; The good, challenging, and growing trust that comes from finding a haven for me as an artist in a company that wants nothing but good. How rare and wild that is, and I am grateful.
Natasha Adorlee, Artistic Fellow 2022-2023